By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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It’s really true that we are all works in progress. Fortunately, your brain can continue to create new neural pathways until you die. Often you’ll hear “People don’t change.” And if you stagnate, or are content to go along with whatever is happening in your life now, you won’t change--much. People are regulated by the people they spend time with. Picking up words and phrases of the people that you are surrounded by is an example of neural regulation.
Also fortunately, you do have the choice to keep growing, to become your better and better self (notice I didn’t say ‘Best’ because there’s already too much striving for perfection in Silicon Valley).
Think about what is working for you in your life, and what isn’t. Admit that you are a work in progress; it will make it much easier to seek change, learn new tools, skills, and to educate yourself. Do you want a better marriage? Better relationship with your kids? Your boss? Co-workers? Friends? Family? I hope so.
People spend a lot of time trying to present themselves a certain way, to look as though they’ve got everything together. Yet we’re all human, and we have challenges. I’ve worked on patience my whole adult life. I’m much better at it now. Is there still room to improve? Absolutely. So I keep at it.
Most people don’t change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change. Perhaps just acknowledging that may free you up enough to make changes by choice; without waiting for the pain to become overwhelming. It’s a longer way back to health if you wait.
My goal in sharing this is to give you hope. Hope for yourself, for your marriage and relationships, hope for humanity. We need hope. We also need action. Take action to have healthier, better relationships. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others.