By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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I've noticed an issue between couples regarding one partner who is more an initiator or more an implementor. Or in some relationships, one is the initiator at home, and the other is the initiator in the work world. Whatever we are, we usually wish our partner were more what we are.
With further thought, how would it actually be if you were matched on this continuuim?
I see this a lot in relation to raising kids. Mom (most often) is super-attuned to the kids and what they need. That is great for the emotional health of the kids as it leads to secure attachment (as long as the parents aren't doing too much--or everything--for their kids since some difficulties in childhood lead to resiliency). The problem comes in that Mom wants Dad to be super-attuned to the needs of the kids AND be super-attuned to her perception of the needs of the kids. These are two different things.
Kids need a mom and a dad--and they parent differently; that's good for your kids actually.
But on the grander scale, who initiates in your relationship? Who implements what is initiated? Are you both on the same page about this? Are you doing it with a good heart, or because you don't want to rock the boat?